OT: Your Horoscope?

[juliemac57 at hotmail.com (Julie Macfarlane)]

Dont blame me folks...


Aries March 21 - April 19
People think you're delusional when you say you're in love with a girl on a 
billboard next to Highway 41, until they realize you fastened a nursing 
student up there with carriage bolts.

Taurus April 20 - May 20
Your long-held belief that the pen is mightier than the sword will be put to 
the test this week when you sign up for a combination fencing/calligraphy 
class co-taught by an angry Spaniard and a weary sensei.

Gemini May 21 - June 21
This is the nesting season of the Turner's Dauber, a nine-inch-long species 
of parasitic wasp that injects its starving, carnivorous larvae deep into a 
species of wren that looks just like your new hairstyle.

Cancer June 22 - July 22
Your resistance to technology comes to a sudden end this week when you're 
garroted with a length of fiber-optic cable.

Leo July 23 - August 22
There's no denying that your unique scarecrow design scares the hell out the 
crows, but it has the disadvantage of filling your yard with infuriated 
Christians.

Virgo August 23 - September 22
Some say that your shortsightedness will be the death of you, but it's your 
glaucoma that leads you to drive up an off-ramp and into a gasoline truck.

Libra September 23 - October 23
You're no music expert, but the shadow growing in size around your feet 
looks like that of a concert grand piano.

Scorpio October 24 - November 21
Your death will be so protracted and violent that investigators will let 
your mother down easy by telling her you were sodomized in half by a horse.

Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
You'll finally put an end to your illiteracy this week when what you believe 
to be a bowl of alphabet soup turns out to be a can of minestrone with a 
POISON label on it.

Capricorn December 22 - January 19
Once again, a poorly timed wisecrack at the office will lead to you lying 
prone in a ditch with ice water up to your chin and your hands going numb on 
the grip of the .45.

Aquarius January 20 - February 18
It'll finally hit you this week that the Gerber baby is most likely dead by 
now, a realization brought on not so much by the photo on the front of the 
jar but the mush inside.

Pisces February 19 - March 20
The good people over at Fisher-Price say it's impossible to be dismembered 
by one of their toys, but you'll soon show those smug bastards what's what.



Past Horoscopes
November 9, 2005
Issue 41?45
Aries The corpse of 16th-century astronomer Nicolaus Corpenicus will rise 
from the grave this week to explain, once and for all, that the universe 
does not revolve around you, you self-centered prick.

November 2, 2005
Issue 41?44
Taurus Toddlers will persistently try to befriend you this week, utterly 
failing to comprehend that you suffer from an acute case of skeletal 
dysplasias.

October 26, 2005
Issue 41?43
Gemini A diode is an electronic component that makes sure electricity flows 
only one way. To prevent damage to the electrical wiring in your house, be 
sure to install one of these between the lamp cord and your genitals.