on-topic, kinda, completely useless but funny as heck

["Wm. Josiah Erikson" <josiah@gsinet.net>]

Very funny, not productive : )
Some of these will be very familiar!
    -Josiah


                                    The purpose of tools

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is
used as
a kind of divining rod to locate expensive parts not far from the object

we
are trying to hit.

MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of
cardboard
cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on boxes
containing leather goods.

ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning steel Pop rivets in
their
holes until you die of old age.

PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads.

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board
principle.
It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the

more
you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future
becomes.


VISE-GRIPS: Used to round off bolt heads and transfer intense welding
heat
to
the palm of your hand.

OXYACETELENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable
objects in your garage on fire.

WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and
motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or 1/2

socket you've been searching for the last 15 minutes.

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat
metal
bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and
flings
your
beer across the room, splattering it against that freshly painted part
you
were drying.

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans rust off old bolts and then throws them somewhere
under
the
workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprint whorls and
hard-
earned guitar callouses in about the time it takes you to say, "Ouc...."

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering a car to the ground after you
have
installed your new front disk brake setup, trapping the jack handle
firmly
under the fender.

EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 2X4: Used for levering a car upward off a
hydraulic jack.

TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters.

PHONE: Tool for calling your neighbor to see if he has another hydraulic

floor
jack.

SNAP-ON GASKET SCRAPER: Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for
spreading
mayonnaise; used mainly for getting dog-doo off your boot.

E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool that snaps off in bolt holes and

is
ten times harder than any known drill bit.

TIMING LIGHT: A stroboscopic instrument for illuminating grease buildup.

TWO-TON HYDRAULIC ENGINE HOIST: A handy tool for testing the tensile
strength
of ground straps and brake lines you may have forgotten to disconnect.

CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 16-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A large motor mount prying tool
that
inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end
without
the
handle.

BATTERY ELECTROLYTE TESTER: A handy tool for transferring sulfuric acid
from a
car battery to the inside of your toolbox after determining that your
battery
is dead as a doornail, just as you thought.

AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.

TROUBLE LIGHT: The mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a drop

light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin," which
is
not
otherwise found under motorcycles at night. Health benefits aside, its
main
purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate that
105-mm
howitzer shells might be used during, say, the first few hours of the
Battle
of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat
misleading.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the lids of old-style
paper-and-
tin oil cans and splash oil on your shirt; can also be used, as the name

implies, to round out Phillips screw heads.

AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning
power
plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels
by
hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty bolts last
tightened 60 years ago by someone in Springfield, and rounds them off.

PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or
bracket
you
needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to cut hoses 1/2 inch too short.

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