The only ten tools needed

[T Berk <tberk@mindspring.com>]

This has been forwarded from another list so I thought I would keep it going.

Enjoy;
TBerk


"Forget the Snap-On Tools truck; it's never there when you need it.
Besides, there are only ten things in this world you need to fix any
car, any place, any time.

1. DUCT TAPE: Not just a tool, a veritable Swiss Army knife in
    stickum and plastic. It's safety wire, body material, radiator
    hose, upholstery, insulation, tow rope, and more in one
    easy-to-carry package. Sure, there's a prejudice surrounding duct
    tape in concourse competitions, but in the real world everything
    from LeMans - winning Porsches to Atlas rockets - uses it by the
    yard. The only thing that can get you out of more scrapes is a
    quarter and a phone booth.

2. VICE-GRIPS: Equally adept as a wrench, hammer, pliers, baling
    wire twister, breaker-off of frozen bolts, and
    wiggle-it-till-it-falls-off tool. The heavy artillery of your
    toolbox, Vice Grips are the only tool designed expressly to fix
    things screwed up beyond repair.

 3. SPRAY LUBRICANTS: A considerably cheaper alternative to new
    doors, alternators, and other squeaky items. Slicker than pig
    phlegm. Repeated soakings of WD-40 will allow the main hull bolts
    of the Andrea Dora to be removed by hand. Strangely enough, an
    integral part of these sprays is the infamous little red tube
    that flies out of the nozzle if you look at it cross-eyed, one of
    the ten worst tools of all time.

 4. MARGARINE TUBS WITH CLEAR LIDS: If you spend all your time under
    the hood looking for a frendle pin that caromed off the peedle
    valve when you knocked both off the air cleaner, it's because you
    eat butter. Real mechanics consume pounds of tasteless vegetable
    oil replicas, just so they can use the empty tubs for parts
    containers afterward. (Some, of course, chuck the butter-colored
    goo altogether or use it to repack wheel bearings.) Unlike air
    cleaners and radiator lips, margarine tubs aren't connected by a
    time/space wormhole to the Parallel Universe of Lost Frendle
    Pins.

 5. BIG ROCK AT THE SIDE OF THE ROAD: Block up a tire. Smack corroded
    battery terminals. Pound out a dent. Bop nosy know-it-all types
    on the noodle. Scientists have yet to develop a hammer that packs
    the raw banging power of granite or limestone. This is the only
    tool with which a "made in India" emblem is not synonymous with
    the user's maiming.

 6. PLASTIC ZIP TIES: After twenty years of lashing down stray hoses
    and wired with old bread ties, some genius brought a slightly
    slicked up version to the auto parts market. Fifteen zip ties can
    transform a hulking mass of amateur-quality rewiring from a
    working model of the Brazilian rain forest into something
    remotely resembling a wiring harness. Of course, it works both
    ways. When buying used cars, subtract $100.00 for each zip tie
    under the hood.

 7. RIDICULOUSLY LARGE STANDARD SCREWDRIVER WITH LIFETIME GUARANTEE:
    Let's admit it. There's nothing better for prying, chiseling,
    lifting, breaking, splitting, or mutilating than a huge
    flat-bladed screwdriver, particularly when wielded with gusto and
    a big hammer. This is also the tool of choice for oil filters so
    insanely located they can only be removed by driving a stake in
    one side and out the other. If you break the screwdriver - and
    you will, just like Dad or your shop teacher said - who cares?
    It's guaranteed.

 8. BAILING WIRE: Commonly known as MG muffler brackets, bailing wire
    holds anything that's too hot for tape or ties. Like duct tape,
    it's not recommended for concourse contenders since it works so
    well you'll never replace it with the right thing again. Bailing
    wire is a sentimental favorite in some circles, particularly with
    MG, Triumph, and flathead Ford set.

 9. BONKING STICK: This monstrous tuning fork with devilishly pointy
    ends is technically known as a tie-rod- end separator, but how
    often do you separate tie-ends? Once every decade, if you're
    lucky. Other than medieval combat, its real use is the all
    purpose application of undue force, not unlike that of the huge
    flat-bladed screwdriver. Nature doesn't know the bent metal panel
    or frozen exhaust pipe that can stand up to a good bonking stick.
   (Can also be used to separate tie-rod ends in a pinch, of course,
    but does a lousy job of it).

10. A QUARTER (now its $0.35) AND A PHONE BOOTH: (See #1 above.)"

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