Gremlins, Pacers, and other oddities that never should have existed

[tudor@tvo.org (Michael Helms)]

Hi guys,

Marie mentioned a 4x4 Eagle with a lift kit and a gunrack.  I live in
a slightly-rural part of Ontario, and I get to see all sorts of
strange oddities like this.  A few that come to mind include:

A Fairmont whose owner has an obsession with hood ornaments and
lights.  The trunk has a "lugage rack" with about 20 brakelights and
turn signal lights.  The hood has a big chrome ornament of a rider on
a sulkie with a horse.  I never manage to see it when I have my
camera ... but if I ever do, I'll crank off a roll of film on this
beauty.

We have a lifted Camaro from the mid-70's.  This car features a
lovely truck chassis with those HUGE mudding tires and pipes that
stick out of the side at 45 degree angles.  Painted with black
spraypaint.  A real home-grade tindow tinting job.  And the driver
has a "Caterpillar" baseball cap.  'Nuff said.

A Pacer drag car.  It features a bulging 454 under the hood with what
appears to be a blower, and a rollcage that probably keeps the entire
car from folding up.  He tried to take me on one day ... sadly for
him, the road had a slight bend in it.  Scirocco - 1 point.  Pacer -
0 points.

A late 80's Prelude "pimp-mobile".  All the trim is gold plated.  It
has the faux convertable top (it just looks like a convertable), and
those assinine low-rider wire spoke wheels.  When you open the doors,
the footwells have ultraviolet lights that light up.  Needless to
say, it has a scoreboard worth of fog lights, tinted windows that
would let you see a full eclipse with absolutely no damage to your
eye, Pringles-can-style exhaust tips, etc., etc.  I love racing this
guy - drive up and down his sorry pimp-boy ass.

A '56 Chevy with an obsessive owner.  I love a good restoration, but
this car is just a tad over-restored.  The interior (which probably
cost a gazillion dollars) has big hamburgers sewn into the seat pads.
 Every body panel has a 60's scene airbrushed on it.  Continental
spare tire in the rear bumper kit.  Chrome "foot" shaped pedals.  The
more I look at this car, the more I'm thankful I wasn't around in the
60's.

And the one that really pisses me off - a Model T that has every
fucking parade decoration tacked on to it.  I used to be a BIG Model
T buff (not hot rods ... the real thing) and I know what Model T's
did and did not come with.  He took a beautiful early 20's T and put
all sorts of flags, lights, horns, and shit on it.  What a damn shame.

Cheers,
-- Michael Helms

'81 Scirocco - the fixer-upper
'86 Scirocco - the daily driver

Web Site:  http://www.continuum.org/helms

"If you don't believe your country should come before yourself, you
can better serve your country by living somewhere else."  - Dr.
Stompin' Tom Connors


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