Amusing Toolkit.

[Jeremy.R.Bromley@mail.enterprise.net]

Just thought I'd share this one with you.....

Series 3 Landrover Alternative Tool kit

   Here are a few useful tools that I have
   heard of and read about over the
   years that I would like to share with
   our readers.

   UNIVERSAL SPANNER: An electric
   angle grinder.

   WHEEL NUT WRENCH: A flexible
   non rigid bar of soft metal used
   universally
   as original manufacturer's vehicle
   equipment for the express purpose
   of becoming more bent when torque
   applied to remove stubborn wheel
   nuts.

   HAMMER: Originally employed as a
   weapon of war, the hammer
   nowadays is used as a kind of
   divining rod to locate expensive car
   parts not far from the object we are
   trying to hit. 

   CRAFT  KNIFE: Used to open and
   slice through the contents of
   cardboard cartons delivered to your
   front door, works particularly well on
   boxes containing replacement seats
   and canvas tops or headlinings. 

   ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally
   used for spinning Pop rivets in their
   holes until you die of old age, but it
   also works great for drilling rollbar
   mounting holes in the floor just above
   the brake line that goes to the rear
   axle. 

   PLIERS: Used to round off bolt
   heads. 

   HACKSAW: One of a family of
   cutting tools built on the Ouija board
   principle. It transforms human energy
   into a crooked, unpredictable motion,
   and the more you attempt to
   influence its course, the more dismal
   your future becomes. 

   MOLE-GRIPS: Used to round off
   bolt  heads. If nothing else is
   available, they canalso be used to transfer intense
                                       welding heat to the palm of
                                       your hand. 

                                       OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used
                                       almost entirely for lighting
                                       those stale garage cigarettes
                                       hidden in the back of the
                                       Whitworth socket drawer
                                       (assuming you smoke of course).
                                       

                                       WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once
                                       used for working on older
                                       British cars and motorcycles.

                                       DRILL PRESS: A tall upright
                                       machine useful for suddenly
                                       snatching flat metal bar stock
                                       out of your hands so that it 
                                       smacks you in the chest and
                                       flings your beer across the
                                       room, splattering it against
                                       the Pirelli calender over the
                                       bench grinder. 

                                       WIRE WHEEL: Cleans rust off old
                                       bolts and then throws them
                                       somewhere under the workbench
                                       with the speed of light. Also
                                       removes fingerprint whorls and
                                       hard-earned guitar callouses in
                                       about the time it takes you to
                                       say, "HIGH LIFT JACK". 

                                       HIGH LIFT JACK: Used for
                                       generating a condition called
                                       vehicular unstable equilibrium
                                       and locking solid when it
                                       topples and jams.

                                       EIGHTEEN-FOOT LONG
                                       DOUGLAS FIR 9 inch diameter:
                                       Used for levering a Land Rover
                                       upward off a locked solid high
                                       lift jack. 

                                       TWEEZERS: A tool for removing
                                       wood splinters. 

                                       PHONE: Tool for calling your
                                       pal to see if he has a
                                       hydraulic floor or trolley
                                       jack.
--------------------------------------------------------
v   v w  w  w - jbromley@enterprise.net
v   v w  w  w - Events Manager Corrado Club GB
 v v   ww ww  - http://homepages.enterprise.net/jbromley
  v     w w   - 1984 Scirocco Storm, 1992 Corrado G60
 MOTORSPORT   - 1975 Golf N, 1974 Land Rover Series III
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